Ink stain
by Halane
Summary: -spoilers chapter 135- After what happened with Road, Lavi keeps wondering what he thinks about the others. Maybe they're his friends, or are they just ink stains in the history?


_Hi!! Here I am, testing my English skills from Spain! I tried to translate myself the best I could, but... don't be too hard XD I'll accept any checks you make v.v_

_It's my very first attempt of looking into Lavi jujuju I find him so complex and interesting..._

_Kss!!_

_re-uploaded! Thanks to** VolatileSublime** for pointing out my mistakes! Silly me, I knew one of them but I just couldn't get to the right word ToT _

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No one is sleeping. It'd be impossible to even try with Kuro-chan here making such a noise.

But I can pretend to sleep. When it comes to me, nothing seems strange, never. So here I am, lying on my side in the bed, breathing slowly and with a calculated rhythm. Pretending sleep is easy, and I can leave my thoughts free knowing that I will not lose control of my act. I've been practising for so many years now.

My mind flies to the moment when I met Road, the moment our fight started. It was not when Allen attacked Tyki but before, while they were speaking to each other.

When Junior took control.

When Road succeed in avoiding Lavi and reached my heart.

The heart that shouldn't exist.

She connected with me in that moment, when my whole being was focused on the register of the two exceptions. "Lenalee Lee" and "Allen Walker", the two exceptions. I thought of them like that in that moment. No friends, no comrades, not even humans. The exceptions.

What Road said leaked into my mind bringing Lavi back and making me notice two things: that I didn't know anything about the Noah's powers and that I had just forgotten to play my role, no Lavi's but the one I had chosen myself later: the role of Lavi-Junior, a balanced mixture of both. I couldn't deny that my friends mattered and, however, I had just thought about them in a completely bookman way.

Ink stains.

Road attacked my heart where it hurt the most: in my doubts, the unanswered questions, the unknown, what I must fear.

I will forget them some day, and they'll hate me, but I won't have forgotten them really.

I'll have forgotten Lavi.

I'll be Junior again and then I'll be another one and Lavi will have been another alias, but they will never be able to be just ink to me.

That's what I though until I logged Allen and Lenalee as just exceptions, and then I realised that I still am almost as bookman as in the beginning.

I know how Lavi is, how he feels, how he thinks.

I know how Junior is, how he thinks, how he behaves.

I don't know how I am. Who I am.

If I feel.

If I think.

If someone means something to me.

And the end comes, burning everything, and I find the answer in the decision my dead heart takes, or Lavi's heart, or Junior's. The only heart that is in me, no matter which it is, whose it is.

I give my life for them, people or ink stains in the history, I don't care what they are. I just want them to get out.

I still haven't had the chance to look into what gave back "Yuu Kanda's" and "Arystar Crowley's" lives, or into what lead "Junior" and "Lavi" to decide what they decided. I know that this last information will never arrive, because no one knows themselves or the themselves in them, and I know the least. Just Road, an enemy, no, a person who is in the opposite side of the one casualty brought me to, knows the truth of my heart, and she will no give me more answers than what she thinks she has to give me to satisfy her craves and wishes, to let her dark dreams come true.

Maybe the time to choose who commands, to decide who I am, has come.

I can follow Bookman's way or try to get away of it. I can try to change it. I can just let me go and find out where I end. I can choose between thousands of little variations of the same options, and my clear and analytical mind looks objectively into every single one while my recently resurrected hear fights against all the ones that take him away of the people who seem to make it beat.

People.

Ink stains in the history.

And with a sigh I get again to where I started from.

I don't know whether they are people or blots.

Allen's voice asks me if I'm sleeping, and Yuu growls telling him to shut his fucking mouth up saying that I'm better this way, asleep or not.

I smile without being able to avoid it.

People.

Ink stains.

Aren't all the same?

People end up blurred and vague in the memories of the ones who keep on living until they also vanished in the time and just the unchecked and mostly-imagined stories remain.

Ink stains are captured in sheets of paper which will eventually disappear; they are copied and completed until they lose the essence of that first writing that gave birth to them.

We, Bookmen, stay out of written history and theoretically forgotten.

And however, when I turn left and say that I'm awake, I can't imagine anyone forgetting me, forgetting Lavi.

And I know that Lavi will still be here when I forget him, waiting for me, as I know that I don't want to forget him.

I want to be here.

I want to be Junior and I want to be Lavi so as to learn how to be myself.

I want to be an ink stain for some more years.

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End file.
